Not Always Available

I have started to feel that I hate cellphone.

Yet I use one every day. I need it to work, to communicate, to look things up, and to do many other things.

So what is it that I actually dislike?

After thinking it through, it turns out it is not the device. What bothers me is how the way we use it has slowly turned into a social rule that none of us ever really agreed to.

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There was a time when I did not reply to a message for days.

Not because I was deliberately ignoring the message. I was busy with a lot of things in the real world, and during that time I genuinely forgot that I owned a phone. There was work that had to be finished, there were people talking to me in person, and there were activities that took up almost all of my attention.

When I finally opened my phone, I was met with anger and blame.

I can understand why someone would feel ignored, but what I still do not fully understand is why that was immediately treated as my mistake.

Why has replying to a message become an obligation?

Why has not replying become a fault?

Who decided that intense long distance communication is something that must be constantly maintained, and that failing to do so means doing something wrong?

Since when does owning a phone mean agreeing to always be present and always available whenever someone reaches out?

I do not remember ever agreeing to that.

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A smartphone makes it possible for anyone to reach us at any time. To me that should only be a capability, not an obligation.

I can be reached at any time, but that does not mean I am always available. I can receive a message at any time, but that does not mean I have to reply to it right away.

Somehow, the ability to communicate in real time turned into an expectation to stay permanently connected. When a message goes unanswered for a few hours, questions come up. When someone goes quiet for a few days, it is assumed that something is wrong.

Yet when that happened, what I was doing was not avoiding anyone. I was simply giving my attention to something right in front of me instead of something far outside my reach.

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And that is exactly where my curiosity started.

If giving full attention to what is right in front of you is considered a mistake, why is the opposite habit never judged the same way?

Someone can be busy with their phone while talking to another person. Someone can be busy with their phone while working. That habit happens far more often, yet it almost never has to be explained or justified.

I am not saying that habit is wrong.

I just have not found the reason why one is considered normal and the other is considered neglect.

I do not feel the need to always know what other people are doing when they do not reply to my messages. I simply assume they are not available.

I do not need to know whether they are working, watching a film, eating, sleeping, or doing something they would rather not talk about. They are living their lives. To me that is enough.

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I grew up at a time when computers still mostly ran Windows XP and mobile phones were still very close to SMS.

As far as I remember, phones back then were mostly used to make plans.

"Where are we meeting?"

"What time?"

After that, the conversation was over. Once we met, we talked face to face. When there was nothing to discuss, there was no reason to keep messaging.

Maybe because I grew up with that habit, I still treat my smartphone in more or less the same way. I use it when there is something that actually needs to be done.

I will reply to something important. I will respond to something urgent. I will reach out to someone when there is genuinely something to talk about. Beyond that, I do not feel obligated to stay connected.

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I also deliberately deleted some social media apps like Instagram and TikTok. I have no interest in following other people's lives through their posts.

Not because I do not care about them.

I am actually far more interested in learning about someone's life when I meet them in person. I would rather hear the story from the person themselves.

I want to see their expression as they tell it. To hear the tone of their voice. To notice how they laugh, pause, or shift when they reach a certain part of the story.

None of that can really be replaced by a message. An emoji might describe an expression, but it is still not the actual expression. A message might tell me that someone is doing fine, but I never really get to see what that fine looks like.

That is why I do not mind not knowing about someone's life for months.

I live my life. They live theirs. Then one day we meet and spend hours talking about everything we have been through.

There is still something left to tell. There is still something left to hear.

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Over time, I have become more convinced that the problem begins when the ability to contact someone anywhere and at any time is treated as a right to that person's immediate attention.

Those two things are not the same.

I can send a message to anyone, but I have no claim over their time. Anyone can reach out to me, but that does not mean I have to stop what I am doing just to reply to that message.

A notification is something that enters my time. It is not something that automatically has the right to take it.

That does not mean I am free of responsibility. There is work I have to finish. There are commitments I have to keep. There are people I do need to contact right away. There are urgent situations that require a fast response.

But not every message is an obligation. Not every call is an emergency. Not every silence is a mistake.

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I am starting to think that maybe I do not hate smartphones. I just cannot live with the idea that my life has to be permanently available.

I do not want everyone who has access to reach me to feel that they have access to the time I have.

Because in the end, the time I have is part of my life. I can spend it on work, on other people, on myself, or even on doing nothing at all.

So I want to learn not to feel guilty when I am simply not available. I want to be able to tell myself that not replying to a message does not mean I have done something wrong.

Maybe I was just somewhere else, doing something else, spending time with other people, or simply living my life.

And I think that is enough.